TRAILERS

Spiderman 3

May 04 2007

RUMOUR MILL

the return of Sex and The City - could it really be?

TRACKS ON REPEAT

It Ends Tonight - The All American Rejects

...maybe sometimes it should be the wrong number.

TRACKS ON REPEAT

Goodbye My Lover - James Blunt

...it never is the wrong number, is it?

joel: darling...ya gotta stop sweating the petty stuff

me: u'r a cheese head!

joel: just pet the sweaty stuff

PEOPLE W/ WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME ROCK!

the following was found on craigslist...endless hours of amusement!

a gentleman like no other seeks your skillful caresses - m4w - 117

Reply to: pers-221082246@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-15, 5:17PM PDT

Greetings creatures of the fairer sex,

If you're looking for an experienced, worldly man of unsual distinction you have met your match. I am eager to pleasure you with all my various appendages. Like all great men, I am diminutive in stature, a solid 4 foot 2. I weigh an imposing 800 pounds, so I am spherical, like a well-loved, well-used medicine ball, with which you'll procure delightful amusement.

Though lacking traditional employment, I am a cunning and resourceful rogue, and am responsible for "diverting" vast quanties of manure from farms, plasma from blood banks, and urine from downtown drinking establishments with which I try to satisfy my unquenchable thirst for scat, golden showers (though I prefer full baths) and sweet crimson nectar.

I love to feel the skin of my swollen, veiny member flaking away inside the flower of your womanhood, your ears, or, preferably the tight rosebud of your posterior. Doctor Condom's wretched invention is the bane of modern life! Never fear for the safety of my health, as I already have contracted the great pox, crab lice and a mysterious tropical parasite, so you can be assured of the lengths to which I've gone to gain my expertise.

Like me, you should understand the delights above are best experienced after the swooning bliss of an intravenous injection prodding one's scarred flesh with the distilled essence of poppy or perhaps a rare vintage of rubber cement providing its aromatic adhesion in one's veins.

Along with my sensuous tentacles, a tongue as soft and supple as damp corkboard, I have a monstrous gleaming love dagger hidden beneath my codpiece. At its least flaccid it measures an imposing two cubic centimetres and is capable of launching a tankard full of black, steaming hot, gelatinous gritty jism across a large dining hall.

I give you my word your body will be left stinging and soaked and the room filled with the musty exotic perfume of rancid butter. I have left all my many women, whether conscious or not, gasping in awe at the record speed with which my climaxes erupt.

My wife has grown old and decrepit so I am looking only for the young and the nubile, for women of slender build, and of the most rare and refined beauty. You may also bring a young slave boy anointed with oils for our pleasure and possible sustenance after our exertions. Please provide visual aids with which I can assess your aesthetic suitability with my one milky grey yellow eye.

You must be comfortable with providing carnal companionship to the gentle beasts of this earth and enjoy the lustful embrace of my menagerie of sheep, baboons, komodo dragons, and of course the impressive cock shown below.

I must stop writing now for the anticipation of your sweet warm breath upon the pustules on my neck, and your delicate fingers dancing beneath the folds of my pink perspiring flesh may soon overtake me with excitement. Already the phlegmatic wheeze gurgling in my chest makes me fear I shall, foaming at my toothless mouth, lapse into another seizures.

Of all the wonderment already described, my most admirable trait, of course, is my unimpeachably forthright honesty.

Until you write to arrange our fiery minute of passionate ardor, I will breathlessly await your response.

Your Humble Servant, - Me

this is in or around a damp box under a bridge

THOUGHT

saying sorry isn't asking for forgiveness. it's just what you feel before you truely learn.

KNIGHT RIDER

MY BODY'S NOBODY'S BODY BUT MINE!

adrian: that's not sexual harassment! it's just fun touching.

adrian (referring to gill): hey if u rub it in her face, she'll eat it!

PICTURES

it's been a long week of celebrations. thank u all for being u, it's been wonderful!

TRAILERS

ASTRO BOY RETURNS

ARRRR!

FROOGLE!

because it's that time of year again and there's plenty of cost efficient ways of buying my affections!

everyone should have a Froogle list! if u don't have one - make one!

FAKE IT LIKE U MEAN IT

adrian: ur fakin' it!

me: i AM not

adrian: yea u r - u faker

me: I NEVER FAKE IT!

gill and i look at each other and break out in hysterics

adrian: uh huh. that says it all!

LEGO LIKE AN EGYPTIAN

me: i smell rice cooking

gill: i don't smell anything.

me: do u think that's anything like when a white person smells burnt toast?

CLASSIFIEDS

in the hate it/love it section of the Province...

adult videos, large selection, $15 each. all originals.

me: ewwww! who wants someone else's original porn?

joel: i think he means original as in not a burned copy - not like an original production, u dirty woman!

"PRIME" DIRECTIVE UPDATE

more pics:



my, what a long way we've come. btw, if anyone's wondering - i've decided what i want for my birthday:

NOW THAT'S A "PRIME" DIRECTIVE!

RITUAL HAZING/WELCOME TO THE OFFICE

520 alan workin' hard, the rest of standing around chattin'

530 alan working, the rest of standing around chattin'

540 alan still working, the rest of still chattin'

me: i love how for the last 40 minutes of the day we just sit around watchin' the new guy work. it's just some ritual hazing!

a round of giggles

me: i'm so sorry i had to stick u with {her} for the whole afternoon - that was your real hazing.

INAPPROPRIATE

adrian takin' off his belt while passing gill

gill's eyes bug out of her head

me gigglin' in the corner

adrian looks from me to gill and back to me

gill catches the giggles

adrian: what???!

gill: ur takin' off ur belt!

adrian: yea - so?

gill (gigglin' even harder): and i just see this thing whippin' out at me

me (rollin' round round with giggles): oh! please stop!

OFFICE CHEERLEADERS SAY RA RA RA!

gill: this game is fun

me: yes, payroll is fun

gill: payroll is fun! fun! fun!

david: that's the spirit gill

gill: payroll is fun! fun! fun! /we must get this show/...um...errr

david: done! done! done!

FROM JEOPARDY! TO TURNIPS

while watching Jeopardy! and playing along...

Jeopardy! categories:
Star Trek, Star Wars or Lord of the Rings

me: oh ur so goin' down!

Action Figures

me: uh huh

Dinner for One

joel: u might actually be right

In Need of a Date

joel: oh yea - all u

You have no life

me: ah ha! prepare for defeat!

joel: hey i didn't just fall of a turnip truck, ya know

me (giggles): if i load yer truck up with turnips, will u?

TUNING IN AT THE WRONG TIME

adrian: wow david, u'r really obsessed with the big cock now!

COMPLIMENT OR THREAT?

some freaky dick-wad posted this message to one of pictures on my flickr account. what a freak! is he threatening to stalk me or is he honest to god complimenting me? 10 bucks sez he's king of singledom! the following is a straight cut and paste - no embellishments necessary...

if you were my girl. i'd have you chained to the tolet.ohh not to worry. i feed you.theres a crack under the door. just enough space to throw some m&ms under there.your cute!


somethin' tells me we're not in kansas anymore toto!

READ WITH SARCASM...

erik: she's hot

me: she's so hot!

erik: like unusually hot

me: it's just not fair - how's the rest of us to compete with such hotness

erik: ya just can't, she's too hot

me: woe! it's not fair

erik: she should model

me: she absolutely should

erik: she could model for Fishing & Lumber Canada

me: LOL!

erik: or for Shotguns & Rifles

SALSA MADNESS PT. II

so in the continuting search for more time-killing footage i come across some clips from the outdoors robson square events. completely random guy filming himself and the lady in the black and white stripes.

quick! find jerry & kathleen in the shot.

quick! find me and simon in the shot! i think simon was steeling the shot! u like the part where he does the cross-body-lead on his knees so we're the same height? and i'm probably the one girl he feels safe kicking his leg over in the middle of a song.

raquel's ass also makes a guest appearance if you look carefully.

SALSA MADNESS PT. I

so it's friday and i'm tryin to kill time at work. i'm randomly searching bachata videos online and actually find a video of our very own ms. gill!

we rent her out for special occasions. enjoy!

ADDED VALUE IN TRANSLATION

david: why do these crackers have a scarecrow on 'em?

me: i dunno. it's just their logo.

david: these chinese products use weird logos. what does a scarecrow have to do with anything?

me: nothing. it's just a logo. that one's not even that bad. there's another brand with a rooster on it. we always called it Rooster brand but recently they started putting english on their products. now it's the Big Cock brand. i almost died in the store the first time i saw "Big Cock Sauce"

CRUMBS IN AWKWARD PLACES

the setting:

office.
adrian is nattering and facing me while i'm eating crackers.
crumbs are dropping into my shirt.
adrian smirks and covers his eyes.

me (turning away and shaking out my shirt): oops. excuse me.

adrian (shaking out his pant leg): no worries, i have the same problem.

DEAD ENDS

anon: how bad is it that i'm more excited about this bread than i am about dating {insert guy's name}

me: well, to his credit, the bread is deep fried.

ARTICLE

precious quotes and how to use them

adrian: hey, the highway is backed up and MY underwear fits!

THE RUMOUR MILL

Superman Returns 2

Jude Law to play villian and maybe - all fingers crossed - production will take place in Vancity!

ARTICLE

8 things i learned from 80's cartoons

MY NEW FAVORITE T-SHIRT STORE

ikodidit.com

me: so i've been thinking...

andy: that's a perpetual state with u, isn't it?

me: the attempting to, yes. the actual act, not so much.

SLIPS

me: he's kinda poetic

andy: like he speaks in iambic pentagrams? ...ahh... i mean...

me: i...

andy: i know. i know. stop prancing so gleefully to the website u little imp.

me: that's the 2nd time in a week someones called me an imp

andy: must be true then

me: as true as the iambic pentagrams i suppose.

EQUAL OPPORTUNITY BOTHERSOM

dan: i've been moving all week

me: why didn't u tell me? i coulda helped

dan: oh u know me, i don't like to bother individuals

me: right - u only bother the masses

dan: yea - i bother no one or everyone

WE BE WORKIN HARD

there's a rule in our office. u do somethin' dumb - u wear the stupid hat. now, we're all pretty dumb around here so u've got to be outstandingly dumb to earn the right to wear the stupid hat.


observe as our very own ms. Gill models our ever so stylish stupid hat while wearing a post-it on her forehead to remind herself of an important task at hand...



aww... stop pouting ms. Gill. we won't make you wear the stupid hat any more...


...but since ms. Gill has failed to complete the task, so important that she had to write it on a post-it and post it to her forehead, she continues to wear it while working hard as ever like we always do around here...

FAIR'S FAIR

me: he's really snobby about who he dances with

jerry: how so?

me: like if he weren't dating me he probably wouldn't dance with me

jerry: i don't think so

me: i guess it's fair tho since if i weren't dating him i probably wouldn't talk to him

jerry: oh yeah - i can see this is going somewhere.

U R WHAT U EAT?

me: it would not be funny if we were being limited to 100 megs

adrian: i poop bigger than a hundred megs

me: u poop in megs?

adrian: sometimes ... depends on what i've been eating.

FROM ROMERO TO NICHOLSON TO...

Heath Ledger cast as the Joker and Christian Bale returns as Batman in the new movie Dark Knight set to shoot next year.

c/o Sneak Peak

WISHLIST

i vant! i vant!

DARTH VADER REFERENCES

adrian & i (in unison, in darth vader tone): impressive

me: k- we've officially been working together too long

adrian: what's sad is we don't use any other darth vader quotes

me: well the other one is so over-done

adrian: k - what is another one?

me (in darth vader tone): luke, i am ur father

adrian: what about (in darth vader tone) luke, who's ur daddy?

RANDOM SILLINESS

adrian: let my people know!

me: cute play on moses

adrian: party on wayne! party on moses!

me: what?!?!?

REALITY IS ONLY WHAT I BELIEVE

kate (to jerry and i): u 2 make fun of each other so much! it's like u'r siblings.

me (to jerry): yea - u'r like the brother i never had

jerry: but u have a brother

me: yea - u'r like the brother i never had

jerry: u can't say that if u have a brother

me: yea - u'r like the brother i NEVER had.

adrian: i'm going to 7-anything, want 11?

GRUMBLES

andy: *grumble grumble* people suck! they eat ass! why do people eat ass?

me: cause it's yummy?

TRAILERS

Transformers - The Movie announcement.

adrian: see, i get poked on mondays!

COST EFFICIENT

andy: what's you're long distance code?

adrian: #### - as long as you're not using it for 1-900 calls ... but i guess it'd be alright if you let me listen in.

FORGETFUL

adrian: he's single right?

me: yea

adrian: and you're single, aren't you? ...

me: yea

gill: no you're not

me: oh yea - i forgot.

PICTURE PERFECT

while david is hanging posters around the office

me: that's a little low isn't it?

david: most pictures are hung too high, u know? they should be around eye level so you don't have to look up.

me: in that case, i think they're a little high for me.

JUST TUNIN' IN

adrian: i'm not pokin' u in the office on a thursday!

me: ... (looking from adrian to gill, gill to adrian) ... who aren't you pokin' in the office on a thursday?

adrian & gill: polka! not pokin'!

adrian: but i'm not pokin' u on a thursday

gill: oh thank god!

adrian: but monday thru wednesday...

DANCE DANCE!

*adrian playing highland music from ipod*

*gill does a highland dance*

*adrian plays metal from ipod*

*gill head bangs*

me: it's like our very own dancing doll. play any kind of music and she'll do a dance to it!

later...

gill (to adrian while walking off around the corner): i'll dance for u when u dance for me

me: u broke it! what did u do? u broke the dancing the doll!

adrian: i didn't break it - it's developing an attitude.

me (grabbing gill by the shoulders): it's broken! it's broken! adrian broke the dancing doll! maybe i can fix it if i shake it

gill: who?!?!? what?!?! who broke what doll?!?!? ... oh wait, i'm the dancing doll.

TRAILERS

i found this a bit ago and forgot to put it up. my bad!

Spiderman 3 - Topher Grace joins the cast as Venom - oy! i'm a giddy girl!

TRAILERS

the first 24 minutes of A Scanner Darkly

CONSERVATION

simon: so i figure we could have the chicken and baked beans.

me: ok

simon: any other thoughts?

me: nah, i try to conserve those.

WHEN LOVE HITS U IN THE FACE

an exchange of emails after a conversation about an accident where my friend D wrecked her car going over a meridian:

D: so u wanna go for a drive later?

guy: nope. i like my life.

D: even if i promise not to go over any meridians?

guy: still no.

D: i'm trying to ask u out dumb ass! r u not getting it or just not interested?

I'M SICK - BRAIN MUST BE OFF

jerry: ow

me: oy! u better put some camomile on it.

jerry: erh...

me: i mean...ah...erhm...calamine - that's it.

jerry: u'r like the worst medic ever!

while looking in the fridge:

me: i think i'm comin' down with something - do u have anything chalked full of vitamins to stave off a cold?

jerry: i have vitamins. they're chalked full of vitamins.

me: ew! i don't actually wanna take vitamins.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHEONIX

release dates

HELL-O NURSE!

at very long last, the Animanics to own!

AND Pinky & the Brain

oy! the wait is gonna kill me!.

DRUNK AND DRUNKER

text msg:

gill: Ive been hung over since thur! I Will see u wed!

me: when r u back?

gill: Im back thur afternoon.

STORIES I SHOULD KEEP TO MYSELF BUT CAN'T

me sitting on the foot of the bed - him on the floor at the foot of the bed

simon: how did u get that scar under your chin?

me: wow - no one ever notices that scar - ya know, it being UNDER my chin and everyone being like a head taller than me.

simon: well, i am on the floor and looking up

me: weird - some people have known me for years and don't know i have that scar

simon: so how'd u get it? it was a bar fight wasn't it?

me: no. i fell in a rice bin.

simon: a rice bin! HAHAHAHAHA

me: u think i'm joking? i'm dead serious!

simon: how the hell did u manage that?

me: with very much idiocy. so, i'm liking the bar fight story.

simon: yea - u should tell people u had the girl in a head lock, but she got her hand free and grabbed a bottle, smashed it and nicked u in the chin with it.

me: it's a good story! i'm stickin to it!

simon: don't forget to add - but if u think this is bad, u should see the girl after i threw her out the window. she's a down-right mess!

me: perfect! i love it!

simon: i'm gonna call u Rice Bin from now on.

later that day...

simon: wanna chip?

me: no thanx.

simon: u'd like them, they're rice chips - just don't go diving in head first.

DECLARATIONS

gill: today will be a day of angerness

SAME DIRTY DAY

adrian: ...but...but...you have to explain about the penis' pokin me all the time!

BITTER MUCH?

joel: u can join us if you like.

jules: i don't want to be intruding or anything.

me: meh - only in the literal sense.

A DAYS A DAY

rhonda: ...in 2 days? so like monday?

me: no - friday

rhonda: but that's tomorrow!

me: but today's wednesday

rhonda: oh yea - fridays on friday

DIRTY DAYS

tuning in at the wrong time...

adrian:...these really huge penis' pokin' me all the time...

and later on that same afternoon...

adrian: ...mmm, that tastes like horney!

WORD OF THE DAY

dan sez:

homersexual

m (to someone on the phone): ...that's completely retarded

me (under my breath to gill): ...maybe you're just retarded

m (to someone on the phone): Exactly!

THE GEEKS I KNOW

joel: are you using a mac for your ipod?

me: no. PC

joel: hmm...soon the ipods are gonna come with CNT+ALT+DEL buttons

me: oh come on! like holding down the menu + center button is really that much better?

joel: Sweet Mother of Mercy and all things Geekidly Holy!

NOW PLAYING

Elem Klimov's Come and See is screening at the Cinemathque for 2 nights only. Don't miss out on the film that's been heralded for the last 20 years as the greatest war movie ever made! i'm hoping to see some of his other films as well.

IT'S A SAD SAD DAY

Pedophiles to launch political party in Amsterdam pushing for the legal age for sexual relations be dropped to 12 from 16 and the legalization of child pornography and bestiality.

full article c/o Rueters

i don't think i've ever read anything so depraved! by definition pedophilia involves an adult engaging in a sexual activity with a child - does it not? when the heck should that ever be OK? that comment about bans only making children curious is a huge load of shit! kids are going to be curious and no ban nor law is ever really going to stop them from having sex. who are they kidding? the drop in the legal age is only to serve adults who wish to take advantage of it.

it's outrageous! so much so that i can't even stop to consider the implications beyond sick adults taking advantage of children. the idea of allowing someone to appear in pornography or prostitute themselves is a debatable topic in mind but somehow not when the discussion involves children. but what is a child? if we allow prostitiution what should the legal age be? whatever constitutes an adult, i suppose but there's something hideous about thinking of a 16 year old prostitute.

excuse me while i go curl up in the corner and quiver.

BATWOMAN RETURNS AS A LIPSTICK LESBIAN

c/o SneakPeek.ca

DC comic book character 'Batwoman' is poised to make a comeback as a "lipstick lesbian" who moonlights as a crime fighter, a DC Comics spokesman has confirmed.Batwoman, aka 'Kathy Kane', currently appears in the comic book series "52", a year-long DC Comics publication that began this month, as a rich socialite who has a romance with ex-police detective 'Renee Montoya'."52" will be published in the UK in 2007 as a graphic novel by Titan Books, set in a world where established superheroes like 'Batman', 'Superman' and 'Wonder Woman' no longer play a part in people's daily lives.

The new-look Batwoman is just one of a wave of ethnically/sexually diverse characters in the new DC Comics universe, that now includes Mexican teenager 'Blue Beetle', the 'Great Ten' team of Chinese superheroes, the new black 'Firestorm' and the Asian 'Atom'.Batwoman, first appeared July 1956 in Batman's "Detective Comics" .

XTRA XMEN

anyone going to see X3 should stay till the end of the credits. it's well worth your time.

SERENITY AGAIN

Vancouver to host a charity screening of Serenity, June 24th!

and there was much rejoicing!

MOVIES

THE DA VINCI CODE


i went to see it last weekend while fighting off of a nasty flu so i was just a wee bit distracted. i was sitting dead center and kept looking left and right considering which way was the shortest distance to the exit in case i had to hurl.

i wasn't crazy about the book to begin with. i thought the writing was mundane and the theories posited were built up to an anti-climatic resolution. perhaps i would have been more awed had i not read Holy Blood, Holy Grail first and delved a bit into the disproval of them. i didn't know alot - snippets here and there but enough to keep the oohing and ahing at bay. i was all in all disappointed with Dan Brown's version of the story. so much Grail romanticism wasted with mediocre writing. i love the lore and can suspend my disbelief for a good story with good writing.

the critics slammed the movie. the biggest complaints being that it was 1) slow and lecturey and 2) the characters were disconnected with each other. the movie was ok - much like the book. the movie kept the same pace as the book: something happens to shallow description to explaination and then something happens again. no big change. really how would can you unravel such a complex story with less explanation? the movie maker rightly assumes that the average viewer is neither a theological symbols of art expert or someone familiar with all of Da Vinci's work. as for the disconnect between the characters - they were written that way! there really wasn't all that much development in the book either.

so the movie was ok for me. Audrey Tautou and Ian McKellan were pretty brilliant i thought considering how little they had to work with. the cinematography was my biggest dissappointment. the trailers made the movie look textured and rich with creative imagery but even this was lacking. and the ridiculous hype the media has been charged with and the long 3hr wait didn't help matters.

*sigh* i give it a 2/5

X-MEN 3: THE LAST STAND

first of all, is Ben Foster as Archangel not the most beautiful thing u've ever seen? humina-humina!

the highly anticipated X3 turned out to only be a surprising 1 hr 45 min. what gives? i went in assuming there must a good reason for this or the movie is gonna suck - but neither seemed to be true. the story was rushed - way too rushed. there could have been alot more. i know i say this alot - i get unusually depressed at the end of good books and good movies but this time it's actually true. the plot and the characters really should have been developed more. Cyclops was given a whole 3 lines maybe and 1 dramatic "nooooooo!" to grieve over the love of his life!? what was the big rush to cannon ball right into the next plot point?

Storm's role in this movie differs from the past 2 but where was the lead up? where was the adjustment? she was this and then she was that. it felt kinda 'in yer face, suck it up and deal!' yes, we were there for action, we wanted to see X-Men kickin ass but the characters do be beloved, we coulda stood to see them think/feel/do a bit more.

There was alot of concern over the change up in directors and understandably so. naming a move the Last anything is gonna stir up some 'going out with a bang' expectations. Brett Radner is no stranger to the action flick with projects like Prison Break under his belt but he lacked the artistic eye of Bryan Singer of "The Usual Suspects" and, soon to be, "Superman Returns" fame. it turned out to be a bit of a jarring change up and the cohesiveness was certainly disturbed. Radner seemed more concerned with the money shots rather than the over all look of the movie. it felt kinda like, 'look at this, and that, and that!' it lacked style.

my last complaint - i swear! the inclusion of Kitty Pryde, Archangel, and Callisto, as much as i love them, seemed to be included just for the sake of inclusion. there was talk before the release of how crowded the movie was and the need to leave characters like Nightcrawler out. eh? really? i'm not seeing it. i'll buy the need for Archangel - cuz humina-humina oh and the storyline with his father but reason for all else eludes me. come on! - was Arclight really necessary? Spike? and was that really Kid Omega?what was up with the quills? i'm so confused. i could barely figure out who's who. I assume the mutant power-sucking kid was Leech but isn't he supposed to be green? and i thought Juggernaught wasn't actully a mutant but that his power had magical origins - so he wouldn't actually have been effected by Leech's powers. am i just going totally crazy here? oh and speaking of Juggernaught - was it just me or did he look a heck of alot like Ram Man from He-Man? and don't even get me started on the Pheonix split personality thing.

it was a decent enough movie, some parts more abiguous than others but not completely up to par with the rest of the X-Men movieverse. i can forgive most of the problems i had with it - i kinda understand the direction they were taking. the Last Stand had to be seperate from the comic or cartoon plots. it was a dramatic ending to the movieverse/trilogy.

for all my bitching tho - i'm still gonna go see again. i give it 4/5.

me: they made a sequel to 10.5

adrian: oh yea? like 10 point 5 and half?

EARLY XMAS SHOPPING

take a look at the garbage i'll be buying this year!

no joke! click to enter. click to be bewildered.

TUESDAY FRIENDS

me: wanna go to the gym with me on tuesday?

dan: yes, tuesday is good. can i be your friend or do i have to pay?

me: you can be my friend

dan: how often can i be your friend?

me: once a week

dan: k - we'll be weekly friends on tuesdays.

TRAILERS

Ghost Rider

20 WAYS TO BE LEFT ALONE @ WORK

1. Grab your phone when it isn’t ringing and scream, “Stop taunting me like this!”

2. Show up doused in White Out. Tell everyone you’re just trying to cover your past mistakes.

3. Announce that tomorrow you will bring fruit salad for the entire office. Use durian.

4. Add, “Please see attachments,” to every email you send. Include JPGs of Captain Crunch or He-Man.

5. Learn to whistle through your nose. Deny doing it.

6. Announce in a worried tone that your pet Hobo spider is missing.

7. Ask Human Resources what their policy is on chronic bedwetters.

8. When asked what you did on vacation, reply sincerely, “Worshipping our lord Satan. And some golf.”

9. Scream at the copy machine, “You call this a reproduction? This is shit! Get your act together or you’re out of a job, mister.”

10. At your performance review, state that your five-year goals include interpretive dance lessons for the upper management.

11. Practice polytonal throat singing like the Tibetan monks do. Chant all meeting notices this way.

12. Show up early to lunch and bend all the spoons in the cafeteria. When coworkers arrive, hold a spoon up to your forehead and concentrate.

13. Ask how the fax machine works. When informed, look stunned and well up with tears. Walk away silently, shaking your head.

14. Ride a Galapagos Tortoise through the office.

15. Wear a black suit and stick hundreds of white threads all over it. Pretend not to notice. When it’s pointed out, remove only one and thank the person profusely for saving you from embarrassment.

16. Do the Time Warp at your desk at 17 minute intervals.

17. Keep a bowl of dog biscuits at your desk. Offer one to anyone who comes to your desk.

18. Demand equal rights for all legless employees. When it’s pointed out that you have legs, call them lowlife bigots.

19. When a coworker uncaps a marker, act extremely high. Hallucinate and scratch your forearms.

20. Put up a flyer announcing gender change operations to be performed in your cubicle all week. Discount for employees with promotional codes.

c/o Davezilla

TRAILERS

A Scanner Darkly a rotoscoping feature. and now u can remix the trailer too!

oy, i'm a happy girl!

THE SIMPSONS

a real life opening sequence

IMITATIONS

me (imitating M): i'm twice the size of my sister -

jy (imitating M): cuz i ate her!

TRAILER

7 long glorious minutes of X-Men: the last stand

pat: that was the most beautiful seven minutes of my life!

RAIN RAIN GO AWAY

mel: can i borrow ur umbrella?

adrian: *grumble grumble* i better get it back in the same condition

me: well, it'll be wet.

LOVE LOVE LOVE U

gill: i love u

me: i love u too

adrian: i love u more

me: i love YOU more

adrian: i miss u till the morning

gill: i'll miss u before that

CHANGE

before


























after

MOVIES

last weekend i saw Live and Become (Va, Vis et deviens) at the Fifth Avenue Theater .

this is a story about an Ethiopian boy from a Sudanese refugee camp that is sent away by his mother to "live and become" in the promised land. He is eventually adopted in Israel and grows up plagued by the desire to return to his mother and harboring the secret that he is neither Jewish or an orphan.

i went in expecting heartbreak and politics but was pleasantly surprised by humor and personality. the characters were lovable and believable. the actors, especially the boy that plays the young lead, had the ability to emote feelings with their eyes and body language. the movie speaks to all those who have ever felt racism, ostracized or far from home.

score: 5/5

DVD

coming Sept. 13 - Dec. 31, the original unaltered Star Wars trilogy!

TRAILERS

Superman Returns

TYPO

c/o of Blue Lotus

There's a sign up in the Dance Centre dancers' lounge which reads:

This is a pubic area. Please clean up after yourself .

ENGRISH BITS

is this anything like a panic room?

THINK HE-MAN

me: (booming voice) BY THE POWER OF GOOGLE!

adrian: u'r picky and apparently your underwear doesn't fit so well.

WHILST LOOKING UP OBSCURE WORDS AT WORK...

adrian: ...irrumation

me: why do i get the feeling i know this one?

adrian: funny u should say that...

irrumation:
n. fellatio

c/o the Luciferous Logolepsy